This story was inspired by an Eddie Murphy stand-up routine in which he depicts Ralph Cramden and Ed Norton (Jackie Gleason and Art Carney in the ‘Honeymooners’) butt-fucking each other. I wrote this some time toward the end G. W. Bush’s era. I’m sure I’m on a list somewhere for this one.


Me and Dick were doing it. If the press, Laura or Barbara ever found out that he had his heart attack while I was taking in his weapon of mass destruction, well, it doesn’t bare thinking about. When it comes to changing the world, I don’t give a Texas cow-pie what we tell the hoi polloi; after all, I’m doing it for them. Take this gay marriage thing. If we gave tax credit to gays living together the government would lose billions of dollars. Think what that would do to our troops.

This science stuff is bullshit too. Evolution, global warming. Ha! If evolution were true, there wouldn’t be any gays. Since they don’t tend to reproduce, they would have died out years ago. Every time I stick it to Dick, I’m sticken it to evolution. And who really cares if the world heats up a bit. The season at my place in Maine is too short anyway. As far as the south goes ‒ I do spend a fair amount of time in Texas — I believe American ingenuity in air-conditioning technology is progressing far faster than any global warming. It’s why I’m a Republican. We must support big business. Where would we be without air conditioners, refrigerators? The English make a big thing about it, but warm beer sucks.

What will I be remembered for? It’ll be for solving the Middle East problem. A quagmire they say. Don’t you worry, we’ve got plans. Dick came up with the best one so far. We’re going to nuke one of our own cities and blame it on a coalition of Iraq, Iran and Saudi Arabia. Then we can go ahead and blow those bastards to Abilene and back. Then we’ll sell off the oil leases to Standard, Mobil, Exxon and if the Dutch support us, will give Kuwait to Shell. Haven’t decided which American city to sacrifice yet. Dick wants to do San Fran to get rid of his troublesome daughter. I’m leaning more toward Tallahassee to take care of Jeb. We’ll see.